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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25309864">Kyalin-stuff</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/froopsen/pseuds/froopsen'>froopsen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: Legend of Korra</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Arguing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/F, Nightmares, Non-Canon Relationship, Panic Attacks, Post-Season/Series 04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:00:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,135</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25309864</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/froopsen/pseuds/froopsen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
            <p>Summary: Kya and Lin are already together and Lins repressed fears show themselves in an unexpected way.</p>
          </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lin Beifong/Kya II</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>177</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Kyalin</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Restlessness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Summary: Kya and Lin are already together and Lins repressed fears show themselves in an unexpected way.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw: self inflicted wound</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kya was tugging at her hands. “Stop it Kya!“ she huffed, trying to loosen the waterbender‘s firm grip around her wrists.</p><p>“Don’t be a bore, just do it! Deep down you want to,“ Kya said shaking her head. When Lin started looking around in search for objects to cling onto, she thought it best not to keep dragging her towards the big windows leading to the garden. Afterall she didn’t want Lin to stomp her feet into the ground. Moving the stubborn woman wasn’t worth damaging their floor.</p><p>“Fine!“, she gave in, stepping out into the rain, back turned on her lover. “Alone I go.“ Without bothering to bend the raindrops away from herself she swung around, blowing an exaggerated kiss towards the smiling silhouette, leaning against the window frame.</p><p>Though Lin wasn’t surprised anymore by Kya wandering off into the garden at random times to dance – even in the rain – she didn’t like the idea of being dragged outside herself – especially when it was raining. She much rather stood there, watching her. The silver hair gradually clinging to her shoulders as it became increasingly wet, her tan body moving swiftly as she seemed to be playing with the drops, rather than avoiding them.</p><p>As a blow of wind swept by the open window, she felt the cold air raising goosebumps on her skin. “Aren’t you getting cold?“ she asked in consideration.</p><p>Kya stopped spinning and stood with her arms stretched out to regain her balance. “I won’t be if you bring me one of your sweaters,“ she said smirking at Lin.</p><p>When she came back from the bedroom, sweater in hand, waiting for Kya to approach her, the other woman didn’t even think about moving. “Stop teasing and come here. We don’t want you getting a cold.“</p><p>The waterbender innocently shrugged her shoulders. “Well then you better get over here soon to warm me up.“</p><p>Lin knew it was a waste of time arguing with her and her clothes hopefully wouldn’t be soaked, spending a few seconds outside. “The things I do for you.“, she mumbled, stepping onto the lawn. Desperately trying to keep her scowl, she felt her face grow softer as the distance between them closed.</p><p>“Look who made it to the party!“ the waterbender kept teasing as she pulled the sweater over her wet clothes before quickly leaning in for a kiss. “Ew, Kya, you’re drenched!“ Lin complained after pulling away.</p><p>“And now so are you. Come on, just dance with me.“</p><p>The earthbender held both hands over her head, shielding her hair. After contemplating for a moment she gave in to Kya’s smug smile and wrapped her hands around her waist. “Alright, you win. But we’re going back inside in two minutes.“</p><p>The waterbender nodded slowly and placed both her hands on Lin’s shoulders, encouraging her to sway from left to right.</p><p>They each had their focus on the other until their foreheads practically touched. The cold was almost forgotten when after a while Kya broke the embrace and took a step back. Certain of victory she clapped her hands together and the rain stopped completely as the clouds vanished within the blink of an eye. Lin didn’t have time for her confusion to fully settle in before Kya asked, “Don’t you want to say goodbye?“</p><p>Her voice was filled with fear, causing Lin’s heart to sting.</p><p>“What are you talking about?“ She reached out for Kya’s hands but froze as she saw her pulling out a kitchen knife from behind her back.</p><p>“What are you doing?“ Terror filled the earthbender‘s voice as her stance instinctively widened. “Where did you even get that?“</p><p>Kya slowly moved the knife towards her own throat, maintaining the eye-contact. The feeling of helplessness swallowed Lin whole as she tried moving but found herself paralyzed. “Kya stop it! This isn’t a joke!“ she exclaimed as the other woman rephrased sternly.</p><p>“Say it! Time’s running out! Say your good-bye.“</p><p>Lin shook her head, trying to regain her sense of self. What was she talking about?</p><p>“Drop that knife!“ she demanded, internally thanking her inner chief for kicking in. </p><p>A relieved sigh escaped her mouth as Kya complied, moving the blade downwards. </p><p>“You should have just said it,“ she whispered disappointedly. Her words were accompanied by action as she plunged the knife into her chest without a single wince.</p><p>Lin’s eyes widened in horror.</p><p>Kya fell back, smiling.</p><p>“<em>Kya</em>!“ Lin screamed as her voice cracked and her legs gave in, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!“ she cried, pressing the other woman against herself, rocking the both of them, “I’ll say it! I’ll do it! I’ll say good-bye.“ She couldn’t hear herself against the blood rushing in her ears. </p><p>Kya looked up at her, chuckling, “Good-bye’s over now, silly.“</p><p>A wave of panic rushed over Lin as she felt the body, she was now hunching over, grow limb. The next wave followed as she felt a strong hand yanking her wrist to the left and heard a voice calling her name.</p><p>“Lin.“ She felt herself blacking out but after a few breaths she noticed she hadn’t blacked out but woken up.</p><p>“Lin,“ Kya mumbled while waking herself and turning on the lamp on top of the nightstand, “What’s wrong? Are you ok?“ </p><p>Lin’s eyes met hers and even in the dim light and with squinted eyes, Kya saw a kind of fear she hadn’t seen since Amon had taken Lin’s bending. “Breathe,“ she reminded her and pulled the blanket away from atop them, revealing the tense body next to herself. “You’re home,“ her soft voice filled the room, “You’re ok.“</p><p>Lin slowly calmed her breathing and her eyes closed in exhaustion. She tried her best to reach their blanket, but her body still wouldn’t move. Kya sat up straight trying not to let the worry she felt take over her facial expression. “Can you let go of my hand now?“ she whispered as Lin’s breathing slowed down. With now both hands Kya caressed her lover‘s limbs and face, bending away the pearls of sweat, which seemed to gradually lead to less tension.</p><p>“Try going back to sleep,“ she said, leaving kisses on Lin’s cheek.</p><p>She almost overheard the hoarse voice finally answering her, “Can you stay awake, until I’m back asleep?“.</p><p>“Of course,“ she smiled, carefully sliding closer and drawing Lin into a loose embrace.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Patience</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The morning sun settled in the room. Maybe it would be a warmer day, though the cold breeze coming through the window suggested otherwise. They lay in bed facing each other when Lin’s hand slipped underneath Kya’s shirt to rest on her chest, where the knife had been just a few nights ago – right between her breasts. Not really, but it had felt more real than the soft skin underneath her fingertips now.</p><p>“Anything you’re looking for in particular?“ Kya smiled.</p><p><em>A scar</em>, Lin thought to herself. Or rather she wanted to reassure herself that there wasn’t one and it had really only been a dream.</p><p>“Maybe you’ll find what you’re searching, a little bit lower.“</p><p>Lost in thought Lin didn’t answer her, but withdrew her hand, placing it on Kya’s cheek and looking at her, eyes filled with admiration. “I’m so glad to have you,“ she said while instantly turning on her back. She didn’t want to see the concern that most certainly took over Kya’s expression.</p><p>“Don’t look at me like that, I’m fine.“ When she still felt the piercing eyes resting on her face as Kya perked herself up on her elbow she added, “I tell you that all the time.“</p><p>“Yeah, but not like…this.“ She gestured across the room. Tension seemed to find its way back to Lin‘s body as the woman felt where this was headed.</p><p>Kya would want to talk about it and she didn’t, as per usual. Kya’s rambling didn’t annoy her, nor did most other things Kya did, that would send Lin raging if anyone else did them, but talking about her own thoughts and feelings was still a strange thing to do – even with that gorgeous woman, she felt so connected to. Why did people feel the need to always talk about things? She was fine. “It was just a stupid dream. Nothing more.“</p><p>“See, you say things like that,“ Kya began, using her fingers to guide Lin’s face to meet her gaze, “And I <em>do</em> want to believe you, but then I wake up because someone’s clenching my hand to a point where my blood has trouble passing through.“</p><p>Lin blushed as she remembered. “Again, sorry about that.“ She pulled Kya closer for a deep kiss until she broke it again.</p><p>A smug grin tugged on the corners of her mouth, “While I could spend all of my time doing this and much more–“ She didn’t get to finish her sentence as Lin climbed on top of her, quickly joining their lips back together.</p><p>A frustrated groan escaped Kya when she held her eager lover back. It felt like her mind was standing in her body’s way. “I cannot believe I’m saying this, but we need to take a minute.“</p><p>Lin looked down at her and sighed, falling back to her side again. “I was afraid you might say that. Want some tea?“ she asked, getting up.</p><p>-------</p><p>The steaming cup stood on the table when Kya joined her in the kitchen. Lin’s movements seemed to lack fluency, even for an earthbender. It was like a mantle had wrapped around her, inducing and amplifying imbalance. She wasn’t going to tell her about the change in her aura since the reaction would most likely be a mocking grunt. She tried a more lighthearted approach, as to not be met with silence.</p><p>“Unless you want to keep our bodily contact to a few exciting kisses, we’re going to have to talk about it, you know.“</p><p>Lin turned around leaning against the countertop. “We did. Like I said, just a nightmare, nothing more. Haven’t you ever had one?“, she asked and continued sarcastically, “It’s like a dream, but a bad one. Sometimes there are monsters. And when you wake up you’re glad that it’s over.“</p><p>Kya smiled, “Right, and if it was in fact ‚just a nightmare‘ you wouldn’t be trying to distract me with your very tempting body.“ Her eyes followed Lin striding towards her with a knowing look on her face.</p><p>“And here I was, thinking you liked that kind of distraction,“ she grinned.</p><p>“I do,“ Kya said, meeting her lips, “And if this were a one-night-stand I would not be bothered at all, but – quoting you here – we’re ‘trying that relationship-thing‘. Thus my passion – if you want to call it that – has become slightly attached to your well-being.“</p><p>Lin hated it when her own words were used against her. She hated it even more when Kya was right about these things. She definitely was, but that didn’t make talking about it easier. She just didn’t want the dream to have a deeper meaning. What was wrong with her, that she dreamed about Kya not only dying, but killing herself? She wouldn’t ever do that, would she? Would this strong woman ever come to a point in her life where maybe Lin’s work and the dangers that came with it were too much? How often did she tell her to be more careful? How often had Kya healed her wounds after fights gone wrong? She always reassured her, that she was ok with her being chief…it didn’t always feel like it was the truth. Understandably so. Lin knew how bad the wounds looked sometimes and if Kya felt even half of the love Lin felt for the waterbender, she probably hurt as well, when taking care of the cuts and bruises. The least Lin could do, was give a little honesty in return. Kya deserved honesty and everything else Lin was afraid to give.</p><p>“Those weeks where you spent most of your time at the station,“ Kya started tentatively when the silence grew to be heavy, “Did anything happen to you, that you didn’t tell me about?“</p><p>Lin’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “No, it’s nothing like that. Though it might be the reason that I’m back to my even-less-feely self,“ she admitted, her face growing soft as she stroked along Kya’s arms, “I know you’re right, but it‘s just. I can’t tap into that part of myself as easily as you can.“</p><p>Kya nodded with her caring eyes resting on Lin’s face. She understood. The weeks after Kuvira’s attack had been hard on everyone. As criminals took advantage of the situation, or far too often of the people who had already lost so much, Lin had spent more time at the station than at home. She knew she had to be patient if she didn’t want the earthbender to shut herself off even further. “Was it the only nightmare?“</p><p>With a hint of embarrassment she shook her head from left to right. “Most of them were at the station. Made it real easy to hide it from you.“</p><p>Kya smiled at Lin’s sly remark, her patience paying off. She eyed her for a few moments. “How about this,“ she suggested, “You drink your tea while I get our coats and we go for a stroll.“</p><p>Lin picked up her cup and spilled the rest of Kya’s tea down the sink. “Don’t you want to be my shrink anymore?“</p><p>“Oh, we’re definitely doing that, I just thought it would be easier for you this way. Now dink up and get your boots.“</p><p>------</p><p>As it turned out, Kya had been right again. The walk helped Lin clear her mind and sort the thoughts running around in her head. Because of the monotonous movement and Kya’s gaze being occupied with the trees and people passing by, she didn’t feel the pressure to fill silence with words.</p><p>Kya knew her well, to a point where Lin had to remind herself, that the woman didn’t have the ability to read her mind – though in some moments she was convinced that she did. Their difference in nature complemented their relationship in a way that neither of them fully comprehended – nor did most people who knew about them.</p><p>“Did you notice how they keep staring?“ Lin asked while making her way to the nearest bench, “They are probably jealous of me. I did in fact land a great catch, don’t you think?“</p><p>Kya rolled her eyes but planted a quick kiss on her cheek before sitting down close to her. “We do look good together, don’t we?“</p><p>They diverted their gaze to the small pond in front of them. They sat in silence for what felt like an eternity, watching the turtle-ducks until almost everyone in the parc had left.</p><p>Lin wondered how talking about the dream would help her. It wasn’t real anyways and Kya would probably be disturbed by the pictures her mind would be filled with. Would she want to analyze it and end up asking about her childhood again? Last time it had hurt. Why should she revisit that kind of weird pain? Or worse, what if it were to lead to arguing about her work? Had she spent too much time at her desk? Would Kya blame her work for the nightmares and lack of sleep?</p><p>The longer she thought about it, the less she liked the scenarios she came up with. She decided to find a way to summarize the dream in a harmless way, as to not scare Kya when they did talk about it.</p><p>Kya let her mind wander but found herself coming back to Lin’s nightmare every time she started a new train of thought. She desperately wanted to know about the dream and had to restrain herself from asking about it, yet again. Why didn’t she just tell her? How scary could the dream have been? Lin, like herself, had seen so much violence and pain. She was hardly startled by anything, let alone frightened. The fear Kya had seen a few nights ago had made her blood freeze and still sent shivers down her spine every time the image of Lin’s tensed face and body flashed before her inner eye. Maybe she had in fact dreamt about Amon taking away her bending again. It would make sense. After all, they didn’t really talk a lot about the event when it had occurred, and most trauma tended to resurface. Especially if you kept repressing it, like Lin.</p><p>“Do you want to go back?“ she suggested as it got darker and even colder, “You have to get up early tomorrow for work and while I hope to hear about your dream soon, I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk about it right before going to bed. I’d rather not be clenched awake again anytime soon.“</p><p>“You are a special kind of perfect,“ Lin answered and leaned in for a kiss. Any public display of affection other than sitting next to each other, or letting Kya wrap her arm around hers, was something she avoided but there weren’t any people around and she just couldn’t resist the urge. “Thank you,“ she muttered.</p><p>“Anytime, if this is your reaction.“ Apparently Kya couldn’t resist her urge to tease the eathbender, but that was just…Kya.</p><p>Though they had barely talked at all, Lin felt closer to her than in the morning when they’d woken up right next to each other.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Work</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>finally....talking...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Huge thank you to the amazing @linguini for beta-ing this wilde ride of a chapter! If you want to get your heart a little broken, check out their writing. ;)</p><p>tw: mention of suicide</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She bent the freshly polished armor around her core, trying to make as little noise as possible. Kya still lay in their bed, occasionally snoring. Lin never understood how someone could contort their body the way Kya did and actually sleep. She herself would probably wake up with tense shoulders and at least two dislocated extremities. Getting out of bed without waking Kya was a challenge. She was a sound sleeper (unlike Lin), but also a clingy one. It had taken Lin a while to get used to the arms around her waist every night, and even when they started out with some space in between them, sooner or later Kya’s legs were sure to find a way around Lin’s. Leaning down to close a drawer, her badge loosened and fell to the ground.</p><p>“Damn it!“ she muttered and looked over to the bed, where silver hair was brushed aside to reveal blue squinting eyes. “I’m sorry. Go back to sleep, I’m just getting ready.“ She walked over to plant a kiss on Kya's forehead, causing her to close her eyes once more.</p><p>The metalbender walked out into the kitchen. <em>Breakfast is the most important meal of the day,</em> she thought. Kya had found her way into Lin's subconscious and kept reminding her of little things like that. Lin rolled her eyes at her own thoughts and grabbed a piece of fruit before bending the Satomobile keys her way and heading for the door. She turned around to find Kya yawning, not bothering to bring a hand up to her mouth. “Morning, beautiful, “ she slurred, leaning against the wall.</p><p>Lin paused at the compliment. Kya had called her beautiful many times, but always after sex or when getting ready for some unnecessary event, never randomly like this. It made her blush as she didn’t know how to answer. Should she thank her? Compliment her back? She didn’t understand why she still struggled like that and – not wanting to stay silent – settled for a simple, but soft, “Good morning.“</p><p>“Don’t you want to say goodbye?“ Kya giggled when Lin opened the door to leave for the station. Lin's heart dropped and she swung around.</p><p>“What did you just say?“</p><p>Kya jumped slightly at the force in Lin's voice. “I was just –“</p><p>“Show me your hands!“ Lin demanded harshly, eyes focused on the waterbender’s hands. A ‘please’ wouldn’t hurt now and then, Kya thought to herself but obeyed, nonetheless. It was the morning and she was too tired to argue about something this insignificant.</p><p>Lin didn’t quite understand why, but something shut off inside her. Yet the sun shining in through the window seemed more blinding now and the room started spinning around her.</p><p>“What can my hands do for you?” Kya smirked, as she moved in her direction, fingers stretched out in front of her. If Lin wasn’t going to, she might as well close the distance between them. “What, no eye-roll?” she teased, “What’s wrong, chief?”</p><p>Lin shook her head but reached for something to lean on.</p><p>“I can’t breathe. Kya, I can’t breathe.“ Panic overlaid her voice as she staggered towards the couch. Kya reached out as Lin's knees gave out, forcing her to lower herself to the ground. Her eyes widened as Kya rushed over, but the confusion left her at a loss for words. Lin’s hands fumbled in a desperate attempt to bend away her armor. She couldn’t feel the metal, like someone had cut off her connection to the element, only increasing the panic.</p><p>“I can’t breathe. Why won’t it come off?“ Kya tried the old-fashioned way, but had problems opening the switches on the sides of the metal plates, as Lin shivered beneath her hands.</p><p>“Try to calm your breathing,“ she said, doing her best to stay calm herself. When the armor lay on the floor next to them, Lin was sweating, her chest heaving. “I think I’m going to be sick,“ Lin said, clutching at her throat, trying to loosen the sling she felt, only to find her nails scratching her own skin.</p><p>Kya recognized what was happening and repositioned herself in front of Lin. “Lin. Look at me. You’re ok.“</p><p>Lin's eyes darted around the room until she felt her face being guided to meet the waterbender’s. “I can’t breathe Kya.“</p><p>“Yes, you can. You’re having a panic attack. Try to do this,“ Kya explained. She took a deep breath, her gaze moving to Lin's mouth as her fingers wrapped around her wrist to feel her pulse.</p><p>“Three seconds in,“ she said as Lin followed the instruction. “Now hold it. One, two, three. And breathe out for three again.“ After a few minutes Lin's pulse had eased and the redness of her face started to fade.</p><p>“One, two, three.“ Kya‘s voice echoed in her ears. Only now did Lin realize the waterbender had framed her face with her fingers. It felt like a thousand hands were touching her simultaneously and she soon became overwhelmed. Kya let go immediately as she felt Lin backing away. </p><p>“You’re ok, I’m here," Kya said, feeling helpless. She didn't really know what to say to make Lin feel better and figured it would be best to wait. She had supported patients through panic attacks, but it felt different with her, like Lin was actually about to stop breathing. </p><p>“I’m s-sorry,“ Lin stuttered. </p><p>Kya instinctively shook her head. “Nothing to be sorry about. Try sitting up a little. You’re all hunched over.“</p><p>Lin's muscles felt sore as embarrassment crept up inside her. This had never happened to her. What had <em>that</em> even been? The tightness of her throat finally seemed to loosen and the rushing in her ears eased up as well. “I’m sorry, I didn‘t mean to scare you,“ she repeated. Kya helped her stand back up and then immediately let go, as Lin had found a solid stance.</p><p>“Worst part’s over,“ Kya promised. “But you’re staying home today.“</p><p>Lin instinctively tried to protest but she felt her body grow weak at the thought of going to work. She could only nod in agreement.</p><p>“Let’s get you into the shower first. We’ll see how you’re feeling after that.“</p><p>---------</p><p>“I’m sorry.“ </p><p>Kya looked up from the magazine she had been reading. Lin had taken her time in the shower, after reassuring Kya that she was capable of doing so on her own.</p><p>“You don’t have to keep apologizing, you know.“</p><p>“I know, I’m –“</p><p>“Sorry?“ Kya smiled, patting on the couch next to her. </p><p>Lin sighed as she fell back onto the cushion, cuddling up to Kya until her head rested on the other woman‘s chest. “I have never had that happen to me,“ she mumbled.</p><p>“It was a panic attack. I’ve seen it with patients before long healing sessions. Not being allowed to move triggers most of them,“ she told her in an attempt to make Lin feel better.</p><p>She felt Lin trembling again and looked down to see tears tumbling onto her shirt. “It’s ok,“ she reassured her again. As Lin wept silently, Kya did her best not to break out in tears herself. “We’re going to work it out. It’ll be alright.“ It was a reminder to both of them that they had gone through worse and come out the other side; together.</p><p>---------</p><p>“We need to talk,“ Lin said with a serious tone in her voice. “I’ve been putting this off for way to long. Let’s just get it over with.“</p><p>Kya suppressed a snappy comment and got two glasses of water from the kitchen before sitting back down on the couch. “Then let’s talk,“ her soft voice answered. "Do you want to begin with that night?“ </p><p>Lin’s expression darkened in response, instinctively wanting to escape the conversation she had finally built up the courage to start. </p><p>“Was it Amon? Did he take your bending away again?“ Kya asked, noticing Lin‘s struggle.</p><p>“No, no. It was nothing like that,“ Lin said, "It actually started out quite…nice.“</p><p>They now sat next to each other, leaving space between them. Lin’s feet were touching the ground and she was leaning back semi-relaxed. Kya put her arm on the backrest, supporting the side of her head with the hand. She looked – and most likely was – more relaxed with one of her legs crossed and the other loosely hanging off the couch. While she looked at Lin, showing her that she had her full attention, the other woman kept her gaze straight ahead, not meeting her eyes. Kya knew it had nothing to do with her, but with Lin's difficulty when it came to sharing.</p><p>Lin had changed her mind and decided not to hold back any details even though she was afraid of Kya's reaction. With a deep breath, she started. Kya stayed silent until Lin had finished. Towards the end Kya held onto her own wrist, where Lin had clenched a few nights ago, now understanding the metalbender’s need to hold onto something.</p><p>“That sounds horrible. Knowing you…no wonder you didn’t want to talk about it,“ Kya finally exclaimed after letting the story sit in silence for a few minutes</p><p>Lin raised her brows. “So you’re not disturbed?“ she asked in disbelieve.</p><p>“Not really. I mean, confused, yes. But I’m just really…I don’t know. I understand better now. Besides…you forget that we’ve both seen things that were way more disturbing than someone plunging a knife into their chest.“ </p><p>Lin’s expression turned angry as Kya’s attempt to lighten up the situation backfired. “Except it wasn’t <em>someone</em>,“ she hissed. “It was you. And it wasn’t only once. That happens in a lot of my nightmares.“ </p><p>“What, me committing suicide?“</p><p>Lin tried not to squirm. Hearing Kya talk about this dream like it was the weather made it less difficult, but it somehow hurt more.</p><p>“No. You, dying. What’s wrong with me? Why would I dream that?“</p><p>Kya looked at her trying to understand Lin’s train of thought. Lin’s instinct was always that if she didn’t understand something, there must be something wrong with her. Kya had a hard time, comprehending what had led to that conclusion this time. She couldn’t have been right, could she? Had Lin subconsciously noticed a change in Kya's mood, that she herself had missed? No, that couldn’t have been. There was no emptiness inside her now. She’d always felt emotions strongly: love, passion, joy, nostalgia even; more fear, fury, and anger than she’d care to admit t. But she hadn’t experienced emptiness in a long time. When she had come across people during her travels that had lost people to suicide, they had always told her that emptiness had been the real cause of death.</p><p>“There’s nothing wrong with you,“ she finally answered, "It makes quite a lot of sense to me, the more I think about it.“</p><p>“We are still talking about the same dream, right?“ Lin reassured herself. "The one – and I cannot stress this enough – where you die. Knife-plungingly.“</p><p>Kya couldn’t suppress a smile at the change in Lin’s demeanor. “Yes. To me it does. If you’re up for it, I could tell you why.“</p><p>“If I’m up for it?“ Lin huffed, "I had a slight breathing issue. I’m not an invalid. Go ahead, do your thing.“</p><p>Kya ignored the remark as to not change the topic. One trauma at a time, she thought.</p><p>“You have a record of being left by people.“</p><p>Lin wanted to interject. This is exactly what she had dreaded, but she knew Kya would not tolerate being interrupted. It was one of her biggest pet peeves. So she waited and listened attentively.</p><p>“Your mom left. Your sister left. Your…“ she paused, “Tenzin did.“</p><p>Lin turned her head to look away, but Kya still saw her flinch. “What’s your point?“</p><p>Kya knew it was difficult for the other woman and she felt some kind of pride for even having gotten this far in the conversation. She knew, she didn’t have the luxury of holding back, so she might as well say what came to her mind.</p><p>“We expect to be able to rely on the people closest to us. When we learn over and over that they leave us to fend for ourselves, our minds start to learn that sooner or later – no matter how much we care for someone, or think they care for us – they will leave.“</p><p>Lin felt the tears well up in her eyes as she heard Kya's clear and brutally true words. She fought them back. She knew crying would make Kya stop and if she wanted to understand, she needed her to keep going.</p><p>“The mind will shield you from potential harm. It plays the scenarios you are afraid of, to give you a chance at dealing with part of the pain beforehand. That’s also why talking about it is so important,“ Kya smiled softly, “Because if we don’t, it will create more of those scenarios. You got a taste of that today and judging by earlier, that force surprised even you.“</p><p>Lin finally turned to face Kya as she started seeing the connections herself. “But you wouldn’t do that to yourself. You wouldn’t kill yourself. Why would my brain feel the need to process that?“</p><p>Kya shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. Maybe there’s a positive aspect to it.“</p><p>Lin couldn’t believe her ears. “Have you lost your mind?!“</p><p>“No, not to me dying,“ Kya quickly corrected, “I meant the way your brain chose to…off me.“ Lin stood up, no longer being able to sit. She started pacing a little.</p><p>“Well, it could not have chosen a more unlikely scenario. We have fought spirits, blood-benders and other maniacs with a god complex and still your brain thought that I would be the greatest danger to myself. You must have a great deal of faith in my survival abilities,“ Kya smiled, “Or in your protecting skills.“</p><p>“Yeah, because I did such a great job protecting you from that knife.“ Lin had a hard time keeping track of all the theories running around her head. she started massaging her temples. The tears had slipped her control when she started talking again. “I couldn’t even move. You noticed that. Not in my dream and not when you woke me up. I tried. It didn’t work.“</p><p>Kya sighed and walked over to draw Lin in for a tight embrace. Some kind of limit had been met and though she felt Lin’s wish to keep going, she felt the both of them being overwhelmed. Herself by the waves of confusion and fear, mixed with anger and frustration, that were sent her way. And Lin who felt that the emotions rushing over her made it even more difficult to grasp the context of the spoken sentences.</p><p>She welcomed the hug and it felt like Kya, who was still a whole lot calmer than she herself, transferred some of that calmness to her for every second they stayed intertwined.</p><p>They pulled away and looked at each other, while Kya brushed the tears away. “I don’t want to push you too hard,“ she said carefully, “That’s not the point of this.”</p><p>They both weren’t sure what would happen if they continued right then and there and decided to think about the conversation while going about their day.  </p><p>------- </p><p>“Listen,” Lin cleared her throat, “I’m very thankful for your insight. I know that I can be a little…inaccessible, unavailable, whatever you want to call it, sometimes.”</p><p>Kya looked up from her soup, sucking a few noodles into her mouth before answering.</p><p>“You’re very welcome. I know it’s hard for you. I can’t see inside your head, but I’ll always listen to you,” she assured her.</p><p>A smile found its way across Lin’s face and her eyes filled with adoration, when she realized she didn’t even question, whether Kya was being sincere. She knew it. </p><p>“You do always look beautiful when you smile,” Kya added, “I think I saw you flinch at that this morning,” she kept talking as Lin blushed slightly, “Guess I’ll have to tell you more often, until you don’t anymore.”</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Communication</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks to @linguini for beta-reading. :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Kya.“ It was dark outside and the moon shone into their bedroom through a gap in the blinds. They had both drifted in and out of sleep and the sun would rise in a few hours. “Kya,“ she whispered once more. </p><p>“What is it?“ Kya didn’t sound sleepy at all, which confirmed Lin’s suspicion. </p><p>“You can’t sleep,“ she sighed.</p><p>“Very perceptive, Chief.“ Her smile was audible the next time she spoke. “Are you going to let me in on why you felt the need to tell me that?“</p><p>“I‘m having trouble sleeping.“ The moonlight accentuated Lin’s smooth skin and Kya let her eyes wander, taking it all in. </p><p>“You know this is hard for me, too,“ she said smirking, her fingers stroking along Lin’s arm, “No teasing you for a whole day.“</p><p>“I know. You’re doing so great,“ Lin sighed with a smile making its way onto her lips, “By the way, if you tell Bumi that you got me all mushy and analyzing stupid nightmares, there <em>will</em> be consequences.“ She tried to sound at least  vaguely threatening but that notion was discredited by the grin that travelled between their faces.</p><p>“Well don’t tempt me.“ Kya gasped leaning in for a kiss. Before letting go, she captured Lin’s lower lip between her teeth, as the metalbender took the opportunity to pull her in by the hip. </p><p>“Speaking of tempting,“ Lin hummed, searching for another kiss. Their lips met again, as they started feeling down each other’s backs. “Maybe,“ she said while trailing kisses along Kya's tan skin, “And I’m only throwing ideas around – we could have a different kind of communication for a change.“</p><p>Kya felt desire kicking in and this time knowing that the talk was not going to be avoided, she didn’t care how much time passed until said talk came around. “Oh, I love this non-verbal communication,“ she smiled before placing a long-lasting kiss on the side of Lin's throat. </p><p>“Maybe you’ll get a taste for it after all,“ Lin answered jokingly.</p><p>“You are a smooth one,“ Kya admitted before sliding her hand down Lin’s stomach, a clear goal in mind. “However, my tongue is just fine, tasting different things for now.“</p><p>Lin arched her back as Kya made her way down her body. Kya did have the best comebacks, no matter how good Lin's ideas were, Kya had never lost a teasing match. Lin didn’t really mind. She did like it, most of the time. She was quickly ripped away from her thoughts as her focus was drawn in by lips wandering the invisible trail that Kya had already left with her fingers.</p><p>------</p><p>“I‘d almost forgotten how fun this is,“ Kya joked as she took the cup of coffee Lin had just made for herself.</p><p>“It hasn’t been <em>that</em> long,“ Lin said, turning around just to find the empty spot on the counter. That had been <em>her</em> coffee. She sent a piercing look Kya’s way.</p><p>“Well I’ll be needing that if you keep me up when I’m supposed to be sleeping,“ the waterbender murmured while sipping her coffee with a knowing look on her face.</p><p>“It’s not like I woke you. And if memory serves me well, you enjoyed yourself,“ Lin answered, making herself another cup. </p><p>“Still got my coffee, didn’t I?“</p><p>They sat down at the kitchen table. Kya watched the spirits floating by the window. They usually came by during the early morning hours and she was always mesmerized by their ease. Lin read through the newspaper and sipped her coffee. The weekends were when she spent a little more time on the things she usually did in a hurry. Showering, getting ready, making coffee – weekend coffee was always better. She even flipped through the news, since she didn’t spend a lot of time doing that during the week. The most important news travelled fast – especially at the station – and she spent enough time reading police reports already. At some point reading had turned into a chore, rather than a relaxing activity. The occasional article sparked her interest, nonetheless.</p><p>“I can’t believe it,“ she gasped in surprise. “Look at this!“</p><p>Kya leaned over the table and tried to decipher the headline. “Would you look at that! It’s about Uncle Sokka!“</p><p>“Not him. His sword. Some kids found it when playing hide and seek. It says here that it was stuck in some tree,“ Lin elaborated.</p><p>“I did always wonder where it ended up. It’s been forever since he lost it. Did Toph ever tell you that story?“ Kya asked, remembering how Sokka had never been able to shut up about his space-sword – as he called it.</p><p>Lin shrugged her shoulders, “She didn’t, but Tenzin did. It sounded rather boring until Bumi took over. I always wanted to see a sword like that.“</p><p>“Tenzin never was a good story-teller. Another point to me.“</p><p>Lin glared at her. “I hate when you do that.“</p><p>“Too bad,“ she smiled as they both resumed drinking their coffee.</p><p>--------</p><p>After a quiet lunch, Lin cleared her throat. “Can we finish that conversation?“</p><p>Kya looked around the room as though looking for something.</p><p>“You alright?“ Lin asked.</p><p>“Did you hear that?“ she giggled, “I think I heard someone volunteer to get touchy-feely.“</p><p>Lin sighed as she rubbed her forehead. “You are taking it too far, too soon.“</p><p>“You’re just rubbing your face now, so I won’t see that smile,“ Kya complained.</p><p>Lin let out a unappreciative growl. “Fine. Then we don’t talk about it.“</p><p>“Oh, come on!“ Kya said, “Don’t shut off now, I’ll promise to be nice from here on,“ she paused, then added, “For the duration of the conversation, of course.“</p><p>“Well, now I don’t even know how to start,“ Lin growled, “Not that I did before.“</p><p>Kya lead them to the couch, where she gestured for Lin to sit down. She joined her, pulling the muscular legs onto the cushion, planting herself in between and leaning her back against one of the armrests. “That’s not a very serious position,“ the earthbender noted as she leaned against the armrest behind her back, like Kya had done.</p><p>They sat across from each other, legs slightly tugged towards themselves, shins touching lightly. Lin fumbled on the leg of her pants.</p><p>“We’re just talking, not having a meeting,“ Kya laughed. “Also, talking about your feelings doesn’t have to be organized. People just…ease into that and don’t declare the beginning.“</p><p>Lin opened her mouth to interject, but Kya didn’t give her the chance.</p><p>“I’ll let it slide, since you claim to be new to this. I mean we <em>have</em> talked about our feelings together before. Otherwise I don’t think our relationship would have gotten to this point.“</p><p>Lin looked straight ahead to meet Kya’s eyes. “You being nice didn’t last very long. Besides the talks you’re referring to were us talking about <em>us</em> or sometimes you. That’s different.“</p><p>Kya leaned forward, just enough to cup Lin’s cheek and smiled, “Well, how is that different? They‘re still your feelings.“</p><p>“Yeah, the nice ones and I like talking about us and especially you,“ she explained kissing Kya’s hand before she withdrew it from her face again.</p><p>“You know, Kya,“ Lin said softly, her gaze still holding the waterbender’s eyes captive, “When you smile at me like that, I am so happy to have you. Your’re so full of love and I get to feel it wrapped around me.“</p><p>They stayed quiet for a while. Kya had heard the words come out of Lin’s mouth clear and warm. Yet it felt like the woman‘s soul had spoken instead. Lin’s voice sounded different, when she said things like these and Kya couldn’t explain why. It didn’t happen a lot. She thought it must have been that it felt so surreal to hear Lin – the woman she adored to an extent, which sometimes scared even the passionate waterbender – talk about her in that way. Yet she wanted to hear it from no one else. “Spirits,“ she sighed finally breaking the silence as she lowered her head a little, "I only want to make you feel, like you just made me feel.“</p><p>“And what was that?“</p><p>“I can’t tell you. I wish I could, but I don’t think the words exist.“</p><p>Lin smiled into the room as she remembered a poem. “You know, some poet once said that if lovers were ever able to express their feelings in words, they would be too full of energy for everyone who heard them. He called it the lovers‘ curse.“</p><p>“Well, it’s not hard to believe him. Especially when I see you looking at me like that.“</p><p>Now it was Lin’s turn to sigh. The past week had been filled with so many emotions, that she could feel the exhaustion flare up any time she took a little time to sit down and rest. The time she spent with Kya had been spent in silence; except for that one afternoon after the panic attack. Her skin still reacted with goosebumps when she recalled the immense fear, she had felt; first in the nightmare, then during the panic attack. Now anytime she went to bed, she had to convince herself that she wouldn’t dream like that again. It still lingered around and she knew Kya could feel it too. She had always been more perceptive when it came to that. Even though Lin had noticed that her tension somehow affected their sleep rhythm, she still didn’t know if Kya saw the residue of fear, that Lin saw anytime she looked in the mirror.</p><p>“Can you see it in my eyes?“ she mastered up the courage to ask, “The fear.“</p><p>Kya swallowed, because she knew that it would be easier if she couldn’t.</p><p>“As clear as the love you claim to see in mine,“ she paused then added. “Not just your eyes, though. You move differently. You have for a while now.“</p><p>Lin shifted, drawing her knees even closer to rest under her chin. “I really wish you couldn’t.“</p><p>“I know.“</p><p>“What if it breaks me? My strength is all I have.“</p><p>They both knew that she had more, but Kya understood what she meant. She couldn’t imagine Lin without the powerful elegance she carried herself with. It had been the constant in her life.</p><p>“You won’t break.“</p><p>“How can you be so sure?“</p><p>Kya wasn’t. “Because I’ve seen broken people.“ It didn’t make a lot of sense, but it seemed to help.</p><p>“I don’t feel like myself since we’ve talked and I don’t know how to get back to that.“</p><p>She hardly remembered the time she had spent at work that week. Like she hadn’t been there but watched her body work on reports and arrests. Her mind had been busy thinking about the panic attack and the helplessness she had felt at the lack of control.</p><p>She slightly raised her voice again, “I have always had control until I met you. They aren’t joking when they call it ‘falling in love‘. I don’t mind that anymore. But this…this feels like losing a different kind of control.“</p><p>Kya was surprised. Even though it still felt like Lin carefully assembled her sentences before saying something, so as to not disclose it in the wrong way – whatever that meant – she was talking freely, nonetheless.</p><p>Kya used the next silence to speak. “I don’t think you lost control. It was rather taken away from you. By your feelings. I don’t know…to me that’s different.“</p><p>Lin’s brow furrowed. She didn’t understand what Kya had meant.</p><p>“I couldn’t even bend my armor away,“ she exclaimed, changing the course of the conversation. “When I had nothing else, I always had my bending.“ Almost always. As she heard herself say those words it felt as though they had come from Kya. It sounded like something she would suggest.</p><p>“Well, fear is a powerful mind blocker. Your qi must have been affected. You once told me how your breathing influences your bending and how you breathe deeply before swinging the bigger rocks,“ she thought out loud, recalling the conversation they‘d had a long time ago about their differences in bending-style. “I was a good listener. Even back then.“</p><p>Lin smiled, thankful for the light comment, keeping her from tearing up. “I know. I can only repeat myself: quite the catch I landed with you.“</p><p>Kya smiled in response but didn’t want to change the topic. “It only makes sense that you lose the connection to the bending when your other senses are overflowed as well.“ And back was the tension.</p><p>“How do you know what it’s like?“ Lin marveled. “You haven’t had one, have you?“</p><p>Kya shook her head slowly. “No, but I’ve read about them. The mind convinces the body that you’re in immediate danger, so your senses are more alert, causing you to feel and perceive things more vividly and unfortunately overstimulating your nervous system.“</p><p>Lin nodded as she thought back. “Everything was so bright all of a sudden…and the room started spinning so badly. And time passed so slowly, while it felt…like…like something was wrapped around my neck.“ She put her hand to rest underneath her throat.</p><p>“I can’t imagine how scary that has to have been.“</p><p>“I hope you never experience that. I sure don’t want it happening again. Imagine if that happens at work. I wouldn’t be able to bend.“</p><p>Kya interrupted the train of thought. "How about we don’t imagine that for now. I don’t think it will happen again.“</p><p>“But what if it does?“</p><p>“Remember when Amon had taken you bending away,“ Kya began, “You still got all the criminals you set out for. You weren’t helpless. Your strength exceeds your bending ability. And if you find a way to reconnect to yourself you won’t even have to think about that again.“</p><p>Lin scoffed, “So you <em>do</em> think it might happen. How am I supposed to 'reconnect to myself‘ when I don’t even know how to express what feels off?“ </p><p>Kya tried to stay calm. She had no idea either and it wasn’t fair of Lin to keep coming at her like that, but she reminded herself that it was in fact new to Lin and the pain she had accumulated over the years would in consequence spill out of her as soon as she opened up.</p><p>“I can’t see the future, but I’m trying to tell you that you’re already stronger than you think. We can all be. Sometimes we don’t even find out <em>how</em> strong, until we’re faced with a stupid situation like this one.“ Her frustration was clear, yet Lin stayed put, not lashing out.</p><p>She continued, “I can only rely on the experiences I’ve had, just like you. I’m not all-knowing.“</p><p>“I don’t ask you to be. You’re just... So in touch with your feelings. You probably don’t even  have to think that hard before saying those smart things and analyzing.“</p><p>Kya felt embarrassed at the underlying jealousy in Lin’s tone. People had always told her to be less emotional and that it was overwhelming when she rambled on about her feelings. Lin seemed to come from a different angle. Kya hadn’t thought that the trait she had found to be a strength, rather than a weakness, could also be seen as such from someone else – Lin of all people.</p><p>“You have to give yourself a break. You’re trying so hard to overcome the uncomfortable feelings that you don’t give them enough room to exist for a while,“ Kya muttered.</p><p>Lin’s face let go of some of the tension that had built up throughout the past minute. “But I don’t want that. The more fear I feel, the less I can bare.“</p><p>“Well, you can’t shut them off. You see how that turns out. I don’t want you to increase that distance inside yourself. You feel it, too, you said. Just give it time. It will fall into place.“</p><p>She didn’t know what else to tell her.</p><p>“The way people praise 'talking about feelings‘, it just seems like a pill you have to swallow and afterwards everything’s fine,“ Lin growled, “But it’s not. It just leaves you confused and angry at yourself.“</p><p>“Talking isn’t the easy way out,“ Kya agreed, closing her eyes, “It’s the hard way through.“</p><p>“I’m going for a walk,“ Lin announced, getting up. When Kya stood up as well, she signaled her to stay. “I need to be alone for some time. I’ll be back before dinner.“</p><p>Kya swallowed but knew she had to give Lin more space – even more. She didn’t want to.</p><p>“See you then,“ she said while making her way to the kitchen.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Running</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks to @linguini for beta-reading :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lin knew Kya hadn’t wanted to let her leave. Now that she was roaming the streets and the wind whipped against her skin, she wanted to return and fetch a scarf or stay home entirely. But she wasn’t done thinking and far too determined to let the most irritating element get in the way of that.<br/>
She occasionally watched her reflection in the windows she passed. <em>You move differently. You have for a while now.</em> She didn’t see how she moved any differently; that was just how she walked. Was there anything wrong with that? </p><p><em>Fear is a powerful mind blocker</em>, Kya had said.</p><p>She had feared for Kya’s life before. She had feared for her sister and even herself in some moments. Yet she had still been able to bend on those occasions. How was this any different? There wasn’t even a real threat. It didn’t make sense. Why didn’t it make any sense? She unconsciously increased her pace as the frustration had to find some sort of outlet.</p><p><em>You’re trying so hard to overcome the uncomfortable feelings that you don’t give them enough room to exist for a while.</em> When Kya talked, she understood almost every word and everything seemed so logical. But then and there, passing houses and crossing streets, it didn’t. After all, you couldn’t just sit down and decide to feel angry, then sad and then a little confused. Even she knew emotions didn’t work like that. What had Kya meant?</p><p><em>Just give it time. It will fall into place.</em> “Yeah, right,” she muttered to herself. Nothing was falling into place. The only thing changing was that she had hoped the tension would fade away by talking. Instead it had increased. Now it felt like a heavy blanket laying on top of them and the feelings she had wished to resolve had taken over her thoughts completely. It had gotten to the point where she had misfiled a report earlier this week. That hadn’t happened since…well…ever. </p><p>And she hadn’t even been the one to notice, but some stupid detective. Then she had felt it again, that helplessness. She had barely finished forming a conclusion as to why that had been the case before Kya’s voice echoed again. </p><p><em>Talking isn’t the easy way out. It’s the hard way through.</em> That had proved to be right. Though she wasn’t entirely sure about the ‘through’-part. What was on the other side of this nonsense?</p><p>Anger had begun to build up inside her and for the fear of once again lashing out at Kya she had thought it best to leave. Kya deserved better. Lin knew anger was her defense mechanism. Kya had said that once in a booze-induced conversation. Kya, the one willing to keep up with her shit and bothering to help – the only one to <em>really</em> bother.</p><p>And why did she? What did she see in Lin that she herself missed? Or rather, how did she not see her like the others? Kya called her beautiful, warm and generous. <em>Her</em>, the bitter and stubborn woman. Unlovable, as everyone else had never been shy of reminding her.</p><p>Lin felt her thoughts slipping into a direction she didn’t like. People calling her those things – her sister. She had enough to deal with already – she didn’t need a reminder of how horrible people had made her feel. She tried concentrating on their conversation again, but now it was like Kya’s voice was somewhere else. Too far away for Lin to hear.</p><p>What if Kya left her? Was that what the dream had really been about? Would Kya leave her if Lin couldn’t be in touch with her emotional side like she wanted? Well Lin wasn’t her. It didn't seem fair to be up against those expectations. <em>We can’t all be carefree hippies.</em> Lin blushed as she felt guilty for even thinking that. Saying it aloud would have hurt Kya. Lin knew Kya wasn’t as carefree as she seemed. This is exactly why she had left. To let off steam that might have left their relationship bruised.</p><p>She stopped walking and turned her head to see a familiar face looking back at her. Two scars on the right cheek – reminders. She didn’t see fear in the woman’s face. There was an even uglier emotion. Regret. She blinked but kept her gaze on the reflection. “Why are you like this?” she asked, hoping for an answer. Silence. </p><p>------</p><p>Kya sat at the kitchen table flipping through a cookbook. She usually liked cooking without recipes, but today she had already spent her creativity and energy on the conversation. Normally conversations about people’s feelings didn’t wear her out like that. She had always felt refreshed and enriched afterwards and it pained her that it was different with Lin. It was the first thing making her doubt. Not her love for Lin, but the nature of their relationship. They had confessed their love for each other a long time ago, but their paths hadn’t aligned again until a few years back. They had been apart for years and there were periods where Kya had spent weeks, months even, without thinking about Lin. She imagined it must have been the same for the other woman. Lin lead a busy life with an even busier career. And, as they had both realized, that didn’t leave a lot of time for thinking. Or feeling.</p><p>When she had sometimes thought about being in a lasting relationship with someone – and it hadn’t been often – she had always seen herself with someone she could have philosophical conversations with. Someone who wanted to know how the person they were was rooted in past experiences.</p><p>Of course she could do that with Lin. The woman was overly educated on the things that mattered. She had to be. As chief of police you had to know your politics and history, otherwise embarrassment was right around the corner. Lin had always been interested in these things, for personal reasons even. Kya admired the knowledge she had assembled over the years. They never ran out of topics to discuss or stories to tell; something that had always filled her with doubt before. At some point in relationships – regardless of whether they were romantic or platonic – it always felt like she didn’t have anything more to say or talk about. That didn’t happen and it wasn’t because they spent most of their time in silence. They didn’t have the desire to constantly share their experiences. Just being there was enough, sometimes. Both women knew that neither of them was in a hurry to know everything about one another – there was enough time for that. When they talked, they didn’t always feel the need to finish their stories. Leaving some things untold for weeks on end until someone felt like revisiting. It was so easy with Lin – just drifting.</p><p>Kya tried to fathom why Lin had problems expressing her feelings, when she didn’t lack empathy or eloquence. There was a missing link; and it wasn’t access to herself. She had seen Lin’s anger, her fear, her adoration. It was all visible and she had no doubt Lin understood the emotions for what they were. So what was it? A missing role model, maybe?</p><p>Lin’s mother had never been one for emotions. The times Kya had gotten Lin to talk about ‘the greatest earthbender in history’, the word ‘gentle’ or anything like it hadn’t appeared in her description. And her father…</p><p>Even if Lin never dwelled on the fact that she had grown up without him or that she hadn’t even known his name until a few years back, Kya knew it still hurt her. She had wanted to include him in the list of people who had left her, but she hadn’t dared. This was all so surreal. How had they managed to get themselves into this mess?</p><p>She sighed as she made her way to the fridge. Lin had left hours ago and she didn’t want to wait any longer. She hated the waiting. She didn’t know what else they had to discuss concerning the dream, but she knew for sure that Lin shutting off again couldn’t have been the end of the conversation. It wasn’t enough. Maybe for Lin, but not for her. She needed more and when the other woman came back home, she would tell her.</p><p>It was her turn to stop holding back. She loved Lin and Lin loved her. They both knew that, though it seemed to be the only constant throughout the past weeks. How on earth had this stupid dream managed to drive a wedge between them? It had seemed so innocent at first. Yet, they had both underestimated the potential for fear and pain.</p><p>Over the years, she had come to be careful not to place too much importance on dreams. After all, dreams were images the subconscious assembled. Sure, the core usually had a deeper meaning, but what if she had been wrong this time? Had she made matters worse by forcing interpretations on the matter? It hadn’t occurred to her that Lin might have had a point. Could it have been a brutal police report Lin had read and then combined with the person she spent most of her time with? Kya had been so focused on getting her to talk that maybe she had missed some of the lines she had claimed not to have crossed. “Of course she’d run,” she muttered while mixing some vegetables together, “Shit, I would have too, a few years back.”</p><p>On the other hand, they were grown adults. She convinced herself that this surely meant something and her frustration was back. Kya was tired of guessing and theorizing as to what made Lin act the way she did.</p><p>------</p><p>They were sitting across from each other at the dinner table. Neither of them was particularly hungry, yet they ate in silence until Kya cleared her throat.</p><p>“Where’d you wander off to?” She did her best to sound soft and not too inquisitive and got mad at herself for doing so. She had just decided to not to put her feelings behind Lin’s, but it changed now that they were together.</p><p>“Oh, just around the city. Nowhere in particular.”</p><p>“Oh, ok.”</p><p>Kya had stared at the earthbender pushing the food around on her plate until it was Lin’s turn to break the deafening silence. “The food is good, I’m just not that hungry.”</p><p>‘It’s alright,’ Kya tried to say.</p><p>“If you don’t want to talk, then don’t,” was what left her lips instead.</p><p>Lin scoffed, but didn’t divert her gaze from the food in front of her. “I thought all you wanted me to do was talk. Then, when I do, you’re still not happy.”</p><p>Kya put down her chopsticks. “You’re not supposed to talk to make me happy and you know that. Besides, maybe you spoke to me, but you surely didn’t <em>talk.</em>”</p><p>Lin felt the blue eyes looking at her but didn’t budge. “You are kidding, right? What’s the difference?” Her voice sharp.</p><p>After Kya didn’t seem to have an answer, Lin continued. “Well I can’t seem to get it right either way, can I?” Her voice had gained forcefulness and she got up to go to the bedroom.</p><p>She froze as she heard Kya’s accusing tone, “Don’t you dare and run away again.”</p><p><em>You’re one to talk</em>, Lin thought, still not facing Kya. “Well, I will not sit here and get told that I’m <em>not really talking</em>, when you can’t even tell me what you mean by that.”</p><p>“Oh, get a grip,” Kya snorted, crossing her arms.</p><p>Lin finally swirled around. <em>That was too far</em>. “I’m trying to do that. If I had stayed earlier, I would have hurt you. Is that what you want?”</p><p>“Please, you wouldn’t have hurt me.” The dismissiveness in Kya's voice made it hard for Lin not to take the comment as a challenge.</p><p>“How can you be so sure of that?”</p><p>Kya felt the heat boiling up inside her. “I’m not and that’s the problem. If you run off mid-conversation, how can I know what you’re feeling?”</p><p>“I didn’t want to lash out,” Lin hissed before taking a deep breath, trying to calm down.</p><p>“Well, then I would have at least known what you felt.”</p><p>“What is it with you? Do you want me to scream at you? Because that is what would have happened.”</p><p>“Save your ‘would’. Scream all you want, but I need you to act.”</p><p>The harder Lin tried to  shut her out, the harder Kya felt herself push.</p><p>“You shoving down your feelings, you not reacting honestly – that’s the fucking problem. Talking doesn’t do shit if you don’t let out the feelings.”</p><p><em>Who does this woman think she is?</em> “You want action? Fine.” Lin slowly stepped closer, raising her voice. “I’m angry and I’m hurt and confused and I don’t know what to do with that, other than hurt people.”</p><p>“So you push them away with your walls. Fuck that! Easy way out.”</p><p>“I. Don’t want to. Hurt you. How is that a bad thing?” Was Kya even listening to her?</p><p>Kya started pointing at Lin. “You are scared of something else and you use that shit as an excuse not to deal with it. I know you!”</p><p><em>Did she?</em> “Well maybe I don’t feel worthy!”</p><p>Her breakthrough was accompanied by a fist slamming on the table.</p><p>Kya didn’t flinch. <em>There it is</em>, she thought. Lin seemed surprised at her own revelation.</p><p>“Of what, exactly, aren’t you worthy?”</p><p>Lin swung her arm around, trying to find the words. “All of this. You, bothering. You, asking and pushing. Your love even.”</p><p>“Don’t be ridiculous, Lin. Everyone deserves love.”</p><p>“Not me. Not, if you asked anyone else.”</p><p>“Bullshit!” Kya exclaimed.</p><p>Lin growled in frustration before asking, ”Why are you like this? That isn’t fair. I already have a hard time saying that aloud.”</p><p>“I know, I see that. I have, for the past week. Build your walls all you want, but not inside this house! You can’t shut me out like the rest of them.”</p><p>“Maybe I'm not touchy-feely enough for that, not soft enough. I don’t want to disappoint you. I process stuff like this on my own. Then what if you realize that I’m not the talking-kind after all and you leave – like you did in the dream? I’m afraid of losing you and you don’t have to mock me for it.”</p><p>Kya swallowed as tears welled up in her eyes. “I’m not mocking you. I <em>do</em> want to make you feel better. However, I will not repress <em>my</em> needs in return. I tried that and seeing us argue right now, it wasn’t a smart choice. And we both deserve for this to work.”</p><p>Lin felt her cheeks flush bright red as she couldn’t object. They agreed. Somehow, they both knew.</p><p>“Well I don’t know what else you want me to say,” Lin settled defensively, ”I don’t have more. I’m not holding back or whatever you think it is that I’m doing.”</p><p>Kya let the tears stream down her cheeks. “Great,” she said, angrily wiping them away.</p><p>“Great,” Lin repeated holding her gaze while Kya brought herself to speak again, attempting not to let her voice break halfway through the sentence, “Are we done arguing or is there anything else you want to get off your chest?”</p><p>“<em>I</em> am done,” Lin emphasized, pressing at the bridge of her nose.</p><p>“Good, cause I’m tired.”</p><p>“Then get ready for bed. I’ll do the dishes.”</p><p>The argument had ended in the same harsh tone that had dominated throughout, yet the anger was fading quickly; much like the heavy blanket, Lin noticed as she picked up their plates. Like some kind of fog had cleared.</p><p>Kya ran a shower, while Lin scrubbed the dishes cleaner than she had ever seen them.</p><p>Her breathing was still heavier than usual and she felt her fingers tremble almost dropping a spoon. When she had cleaned the sink and Kya opened the door to their bedroom, Lin switched all the lights off.</p><p>----</p><p>Lin’s face was still cold from the water when she came back from the bathroom. </p><p>“You just gonna stand there?” Kya asked. Her voice soft again. The fight – if they could even call it that – felt like it had been hours ago and all that was left as Lin slipped under the blanket was exhaustion.</p><p>They lay in bed, facing the ceiling. After a few moments Lin reached out to find Kya’s hand.</p><p>“I love you,” she whispered. <em>Kya knew</em>.</p><p>“I love you, too,” Kya answered. <em>Lin knew</em>.</p><p>Lin drew her in for a kiss and felt Kya’s face relax. “I’m making breakfast tomorrow.”</p><p>“I can live with that,” Kya smiled.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Peace</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you @linguini for beta-reading! :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Kya awoke, she found a letter next to her on the bed. The paper had crumpled a little as a result of Kya laying on the letter with her arm. Little wrinkles interrupted fine handwriting. She took a few more moments to accommodate to the brightness of daylight until the drowsiness seemed to fade. She could hear Lin in the kitchen. Now and then, the sounds of kitchenware clattering made their way through the rooms. She had slept better than what had felt like forever; much to Kya’s surprise. They had had a hard time falling asleep and exhaustion had nothing to do with it. Snuggled together, Kya had felt Lin’s heartbeat slowing down gradually as she drifted off, while Kya had been left trying to relax for a while longer.</p><p>The letter found its way into her hands as she sat up to start reading.</p><p>
  <em>Good morning Love,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry if I hurt you yesterday. This was exactly what I was afraid of. Yet, you stayed and kept bothering, kept loving – with a lot of swearwords.</em>
</p><p>Kya smiled. Lin almost never cursed unless she was hurt, which had always confused Kya  Somehow it would fit Lin's personality perfectly. Maybe it had something to do with Toph’s inability to utter a sentence without a curse word. Almost like a unique sentence structure: subject, verb, object, swearword. Su was no stranger to harsh words either. Maybe Lin had acquired the hostility towards cursing as a means to subconsciously distance herself from them. Kya sighed. There was so much anger inside of Lin and she couldn’t blame her. She kept reading.</p><p>
  <em>Logically, I know that I deserve some love, maybe even yours. I don’t know why I can’t trust that, but I’ll try to learn how to.</em>
</p><p>Kya felt a warmth build up around her heart.</p><p>
  <em>I felt a little like you shouldn’t have to keep healing me. That’s not how relationships work, and I didn’t want you to feel like you had to. Now I see that maybe relationships aren’t two people giving 100% of themselves. It’s probably more like reaching 100% together, and on days where one can only give 10%, the other gives 90%.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You give me so much to me every day and I want to give back to you.</em>
</p><p>After having read the last line a few times Kya got up, paper in hand.</p><p>“Good morning,” she said, standing in the doorway, “Lovely letter.”</p><p>Lin smiled and turned back to the rice she was washing. Some of the words had come to her in a dream – a more pleasant one obviously – and when she had thought about waking Kya up to tell her what it was that she’d felt, she hadn’t wanted to disturb the waterbender.</p><p>They’d had countless nights with too little sleep – too many of them in the past days. In fear of forgetting the phrases, she wrote them down on paper and when she woke up a few hours later, decided to place them next to Kya instead of using it as a cheat sheet while telling her in person.</p><p>She felt Kya’s hands slide around her waist and Kya pressing herself against Lin’s back. “I’m somehow proud of you,” she mumbled in the crease of her neck before leaving a kiss.</p><p>“I thought you might feel that way,” Lin smiled.</p><p>“Listen,” Kya began, not moving an inch, “I’m sorry for pushing so hard. I get why you ran and I get why you might have had the impression that you weren’t enough. I just really need you to know that you are.”</p><p>She turned Lin around by the shoulders and met her eyes with hers. She repeated more intently, “Because you are.”</p><p>Kya watched Lin carefully  for suspicion, but the other woman’s lips just curled into a smile. “Thank you for saying that,” she said before planting a quick kiss on her lips, “I believe you.“</p><p>Kya had a smug grin on her face. “Who wouldn’t believe a beautiful face like mine?”</p><p>Lin grinned and playfully pushed Kya away. “You just <em>had</em> to ruin the moment.”</p><p>Kya shrugged her shoulders as she sat down at the table. She watched Lin prepare the food – lunch already, as she realized – and sighed contently. “Look at us, being all adulty. Making up and getting somewhere without hurting each other. Who would have thought this would work after all those years?”</p><p>“Spirts know I didn’t.” Lin put down a plate of fresh vegetables and rice in front of Kya. “I tried a new sauce.”</p><p>Kya had a sceptical look on her face but dipped her finger into the small pot.</p><p>Lin flinched. “Kya! Not like that.” Kya licked her finger clean. “What do you think the spoon’s for?”</p><p>They both laughed when a few drops fell and clung to Kya’s dress. “Of course that would happen,” she sighed and tried bending the stain away – unsuccessfully.</p><p>“Karma,” Lin mumbled smugly as she sat down next to her.</p><p>“Well, we can’t all be fancy like the chief. Sauce is good, though.”</p><p>Lin watched the other woman pour way too much of it onto her plate but decided not to mock her for it. They ate in silence, occasionally looking up at each other and smiling like little children – even Lin. The tension had disappeared and the heaviness lifted.</p><p>“You were right after all,” Lin mumbled, “It kind of <em>did</em> fall into place.”</p><p>Kya answered with her mouth full, not wanting to wait, “I waff! I love being right!”</p><p>Lin grimaced. “This is getting out of hand. I will not tolerate you talking with your mouth full like that.”</p><p>Kya put a daringly large amount of rice into her mouth, “Wha you gonna do about it?”</p><p>Lin could only laugh.</p><p>--- THE END ---</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>feel free to message me on tumblr (frooopsen) if you have questions about the fic...or just wanna chat about kyalin lol</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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